i just had a dream

I sold pajama jeans to a lady at Restoration Hardware.

Insecurity and Pajama Jeans

In coincidence to an entry about what's most attractive, I'm here to talk to you about the most unattractive trait to both yourself and to others.

INSECURITY!!!!!!!!!

I had a personally appropriate dream last night. I love writing down my dreams so yay for you getting another dose! A friend came to visit me in CO, but we only had one night to sightsee in my white VW beetle (if that's not the gayest combination..). We cruised around a high-tech Denver circa Y4K (think Britney Spears' "toxic" music video) and got silver boba. I believe we also took a plane ride to the other side of the city to see another CO friend but everything's fuzzy.

It was a Cinderella story. We had an electric night but our time together was almost up. Before she left, I had to ask.

"Why do you like me?"

It was an innocent question begging for some validation. I wanted to know why this friend liked hanging out with a bloke like me and what she saw in me. That's when she suddenly burst in anger like some M Night Shyamalan movie.

"That's the only thing I hate about you! You like me and it looks like I like you too, right? Okay then! What more do you want!"

You should've seen her. Her body was convoluting, her hands were swinging like a sloth with rabies and her face was bright red with cartoon-y eyebrows like the angry smiley faces (haha paradox) with sharp eyebrows.

When I woke up to a Robert-Frost-like snow day, I thought of the dream I just had.

Some people are insecure about their looks or the sound of their voice (me). Some people are insecure about their feelings for others (weird girls in romantic comedies who can't admit that they like Hugh Laurie). Some people are insecure about how others feel about them (my dream). But why be insecure? Why be insecure! I mean, what does being insecure do for you? Make you more socially smart? Does it humble you? Does it boost your confidence?

I used to be insecure about everything. The sound of my voice, my flat nose, the way I strut when I walk, the school I'm attending, my family life, that my friend's don't like me as much as I like them and even the asian-ness of my eyes (sometimes, rarely).

It's only been a day but I'm done with it bro. If somebody doesn't tell me that I'm annoying, it's because I'm not. If nobody comments on my coordinated outfit, it's because I don't look bad enough to be criticized. If somebody tells me that they like the shape of my nose, it's because they do. Why twist everybody's words like some paranoid Sherlock Holmes searching for subliminal messages that aren't even there?

I'm awesome until proven not.

Oh and about insecurity being unattractive in the opposite sex. I've flung/talked to many girls who chant "i'm ugly" "i'm fat" "i'm dressed weird today." Let me tell you. Even if they're not ugly, fat, or dressed weird, I eventually want to say "yeah you are" to shut them up since they don't agree when I say "no you aren't."

post- these are called pajama jeans.

Once they make a male-friendly, style-friendly pajama jean, I'm gonna have to stock my closet UP. Is that not the most genius invention? Along with the snuggie! I can hear the critics now:

Just wear your jeans and put on a jacket you lazy bastards.

post post- I like how nobody bought me a snuggie despite all of my advertising.

post post post- Remind me to tell you all about my pants and my next tattoo idea.

post post post post- "if you're stuck in a box full of white people, of course, only white people would be appealing to the ignorant eye." I agree with you Ms. Royalty. And Garbo, Hyori is not molten lava.

Freak in Facade

Mr. DOB tries too hard to be Mickey Mouse.

He can put on his best smile but he'll never fit the demand.

He's just a freak in facade.

Like me. But I've accepted it. Now. Finally? Perhaps.

check this out

this is why I cant wait to own my own place and unleash my inner home owner.

While looking at their furniture I thought, "there are so many better alternatives to Ikea if you just know how to find them." I realized that shopping is a sport. In fact, it's better than a sport. It's battle. It requires knowledge. Skill. Attention. Sternness. Every purchase is a blow to my wallet. My wallet = ability to eat Jimmy Johns, ability to karaoke, ability to drive. Therefore, I make sure that every injury is worth it. Financially, practically, aesthetically.

That's why I like shopping. I like to do my research and analyze the heck out of whatever item I'm in search of (still looking for the perfect keychain). That's half the fun. After every successful (aka: cheap, worthy, stylish) purchase, I feel all the wiser. All the more triumphant. I win, board of directors lose.

post- I finished KimSamSoon. I want three things: pecs (ugh) cake and a ring.

post post- I also discovered my next potential tattoo.. as in I'm not even sure if I want more but if I do, I know what it'd be.

Girl Friends.

I occasionally think to myself "if I were into women, I'd date her her her her her and her." Don't straight people make the "if I were gay" list? It's just for fun I guess. The rules are: keep the list short and sweet & celebrities are not allowed.

If I were straight..... these are the girls I'd... um....what's the word! It's a simple word. chase. seek. follow. these are the girls that I'd...... PURSUE. Geez, all I had to do was make kenny choi stfu so I could think.

Disclaimer: Some of the women you are about to view have boyfriends... but who cares? It's not like I'm gonna do anything about it.

Elee. She's pretty, elegant, short, got style, hardxcore, mature, witty, got perfect taste in music (actually... not really), extremely logical, a Christian inspiration and will make sure I'm the best dressed boyfriend ever. Then again.. it'd be a long distance thing. If I were straight, that'd never work.

Echo. She's tough, sharp, charismatic, knows how to cake on eye makeup just the way I like it, honest (sometimes too much), loud, funny, knows how to adapt very well to different social situations, is very strong in her faith (so it seems) and would do anything in the world for me (if we were actually dating, which we'd never so wth am I talking about?). It'd never work out because I'd never be able to handle her spunk.

Bchoi. Pretty face, sexy bod, always makes me laugh (even if its a nervous, embarrassed laugh), likes to be stupid with me, has a raspy voice, sings, dresses sexily and likes to spend ca$#. Cha-ching~

Jyoon. So cool, unique taste in just about everything, ambivalent, emotional (the right way), has the best hand motions and isn't judgmental/catty (extremely attractive). Plus I feel like she'd sugar-mama me.

BUT, I'm not. So I dunno why I wasted time writing these. You should make an if-list too, it's kinda fun.

post- I realized while writing this that even if I'm not into women, some veryveryclose friends are so sister-like that they're not even on my if-list.

post post- I think I've finally found my closest doppleganger!

Koreans don't have many to be compared to other than kpopstars.

post post post- I ate cheesecake today, something I've been dying for. Do you remember what it feels like to satisfy a craving? Perhaps the best bodily sense ever. I mean ever. Better than massages, better than being sprayed with ice-cold water on a sweltering hot day, better than laying down on your bed after a long work shift, better than orgasms. MMM~ next I'm going to get some Jimmy Johns and this delectable cake at The Market called... Spring.. Something...

Volcanos.

Work commenced last night at 11:00. It wasn't a particularly late time, but I was exhausted beyond belief. Not gonna lie, I exaggerate on my blogs (as we all do) but last night I stood and folded towels for five hours. If I'm ever a father that needs to severely punish my children, they're going to neatly re-fold everything we own.

Not only was my back incredibly sore but I was incredibly hungry. You know that feeling when your stomach starts to eat itself? Man. Not to mention I was depressingly thinking of how Lady Gaga was living her dream while I was folding towels.

ANYWAY, I stopped by Taco Bell on the way home. I had to eat something..

Oh look, they brought back the volcano tacos. I never had one in a canker-sore-free mouth so.. I bet I'll love them.

At 11:40 I ate three volcano tacos and a nacho chalupa (don't ever buy chalupas yuck). Today, immediately from the first class, my stomach was brewing. I could physically feel the gas moving around with my hand over my jacket. Excuse the graphic imagery, but I was holding everyyyyyyyyyyything in....

After class, I erupted in the bathroom. Only to hear some trashy bro sexually erupting net to me.

AT ELEVEN IN THE MORNING?!

Either he talks to himself or he was on the phone having sexy time. Anyway, I can't believe somebody has the balls to audibly masturbate in a school restroom at 11 in the morning. Well, he might have simply been saying things to himself while silently peeing for a very long time; iono.

Lessons learned today:

HTML is difficult.

Don't sleep in class; it's an exhausting feeling.

Volcano tacos before an early wake up call is not a good idea.

"Trashy" has another new definition.

Oh and one more thing:

She looked freaking cool you fools.

We're always going to be ugly.

This is Hyunbin.

In my opinion, he is the most good looking man today.

My Anglos and I, high on sleep-deprivation, were googling and facebooking just an hour ago, swapping opinions and snide remarks about people's looks. Celebrities, friends and -my favorite- enemies. They showed me all of the white girls and guys living on the face of this earth and I offered my honest opinons. She's just cute, he's just cute, she's really hot, he's really hot, she does her makeup like a racoon, he needs to buy glasses not circa-2001.

When it was my turn to show-and-tell, I immediately showed them Hyunbin, the most good looking man in the world (I wanted to write it again). It suddenly dawned on me that they might not think he's hot. Nah.. no way..... right.....?

Much to my surprise, they both were kinda "eh" about him. "He looks too soft," one Anglo said. "All Asians are just kinda soft, I'm sorry."

"What?! Seriously?! You're not mesmerized by his face? You aren't amazed by his smooth complexion?"

"No, I like rugged, masculine guys. Not pretty boys."

"In Asia, it's all about the pretty boy."

"I'm not Asian."

It was at this moment when I realized something big: beauty is so in the eye of the beholder. I always coughed* at this stupid saying because hello~ everybody agrees that Song Hye-gyo and Kwon Sang-woo are ridiculously good looking people. Right? I mean look at them.

Of course every Korean (and probably Asian) is going to think they're beautiful... smooth skin, nice smile, soft lips, nice hair, beautiful almond-y eyes.

Well, non-Asians apparently don't think so. True my sample pool was quite limited but, to non-Asians, hot asians are just like whatevs asians. They see all of us as just "the Asians."

I think Hyunbin is perfection, they think he's a pretty boy. I think Tyrese is just a good looking black guy, but my black girl friend thinks he's perfection. I thought all the white men my Anglos showed were simply good looking or simply whatevs; nothing very powerful.

It hit me. We're so accustomed to seeing and trying to be like other people who look like us that people who don't fit that classic mold are in a seperate category. The sale bin, if you will. After all, why would a black guy strive to look like Brad Pitt or Hyunbin? He just cant and never will. So to him, Brad Pitt and Hyunbin are in the discontinued aisle where, for some reason, everything carries an odd sense of dated whatevs-ness.

It struck me so powerfully that I felt the need to write a grammatically under-achieving blog about it though I'm dead exhausted because.. I suddenly feel liberated. All of my insecure thoughts saying "I wish I looked like Hyunbin" seem so unnecessary now! I live in America! Even though most Asian guys and myself would love to look like the occasionally-hot always-pretty boy, other cultures find him unattractive. Whether I look like him or just look like myself, my level of good-looking-ness to the majority of America is going to be pretty much the same. Why? Because I'm "the Asian." It's neither their fault nor mine; that's just how it is. So all of this nit-picking at yourself too, thinking that you're not beautiful or hot (picture your definition of "gorgeous") is 100% irrelevant to some people. So what are you so unsatisfied about? I'm almost saying "you'll always be ugly to people so why bother trying?" It sounds like a negative thought but it's really kinda positive/liberating/homogenizing if you think about it.

Perhaps it's just a melting-pot-country kinda thing but beauty is seriously in the eye of the beholder and his/her culture. To my Anglos, I'm Hyunbin. What am I so unsatisfied about?

Now clothes- that's a whole 'nother story.

post: I know that I used the wrong "cough" but I just can't find the correct spelling for the correct connotation. cauf? cauffed? caugh? I don't remember.

Orange

Everybody has a typical time waster. Their go-to thing when they're just bored. A lot of Korean guys turn to computer games, a lot of girls turn to online stalking and some crazies turn to reading actual books (wha?).

I always turn to TV shows. When I'm hooked, I'm hooked. Like, obsessed (I hate how diluted that word's become). TV gets more detailed than movies. You get to know the characters more. The stories are more complex. This is kinda embarrassing but, after being properly freaked out by that-one-movie, I was hooked on Rugrats; such a complex show. I watched every episode plus both movies via youtube. I also faithfully watched Sex and the City about a month ago, which I'd never seen before. I painstakingly watched all six seasons and lemme tell ya.. dirty stuff..

Right now I've been marathoning My Name is Kim Sam-soon for perhaps the.. fourth time?

Every time I watch it, the same three thoughts reenter my mind:

1. I wish it was summer so that I can exercise outside, wear shorts and have barbeques at night.
2. I miss Seoul where everything is cramped and both the cheap and luxurious neighborhoods are visually fascinating.
3. I want to be in love. I want to have dramatic fights in bathrooms, get all butt-hurt and emotional over somebody and do all the cute stuff like hold hands while shopping at bazaars. I've never been in love. Pobre gato!

About my MIA. I was in a bad bad place for a week or two.. people around me seem to have noticed too. Well, I realized that it's like what Sam-soon said.. "is there that much to life anyway?" Seriously bro. Eat what you're craving, wear those tye-dye shirts you wanna wear, sing the song you wanna sing at karaoke and complete your life's to-do list when given the chances. Is there that much to this life?

---

I'm in search of the perfect keychain. Long story short: I lost my car key plus car fob (disaster), got a new key (only) and decided the only way to prevent losing it again is to put a million stuff on it.

After browsing for hours (Why doesn't Murakami make keychains?!) I found the perfect keychain. I don't have any keys except a car key (what does that say about me?) and this comes with 6 gold keys, which is a bit more mature than a mini camera that flashes lights. It's $40... I'm coveting it but I'd never buy it. Even though I have iMoney from popseoul.. I mean, that much for a keychain? Nonsense....... right.........? Am i contradicting myself? Should I just buy it if I can and if I want to? Is there really that much to life, let alone a keychain? I'll get back to you.

Other options:

Both are 20 dollars and i'd get them in black.. They're definitely big enough where I don't think I'd easily forget or quietly drop them.

I do need headphones (I don't have any) and these are prettty cool. And cheap? 15-ish bucks?

I seriously have an obsession with modern Japanese pop culture. This vulgar phone strap is no exception.. My alien babies are getting old.

---

Did you know that when its getting ready to snow.. the sky turns orange? It's the most beautiful man-made wonder.. If I was a director, my main characters would end the movie driving on a freeway together under the orange night sky.

---

Annuals- Sore

How do you fall asleep?

I'm strange when it comes to sleep. It's extremely difficult for me to simply fall asleep in a dark, quiet, warm room with my pajama-wearing body neatly tucked in bed under a big warm duvet.

I find it easiest to fall asleep under fluorescent light. Dim, ugly, yellow-ish light. Like a street lamp. I love falling asleep listening to background noise. Rachel Ray going off about how good roasted red peppers are, my mom talking to one of her friends in her room, a teacher giving a lecture, a pastor giving a sermon, police cars going off downtown. Most crucially, I fall asleep best on sofas. Couches. That's why it sucks going to friends' houses at night because I start to ktfo on their couch. But no, I have to get up, drive alllll the way home and toss and turn in my bed. I also like floors, like a blanket or mattress on the floor; just as long as its not rock-hard like Syracuse University dorms. Maybe I just don't like beds.

The perfect sleep would be when I'm dressed in jeans,socks, a shirt and a jacket lying on a cheap couch at a friend's shindig with just the TV blaring its light. SOUNDS AMAZING...

"Why not just go sleep on your couch right now dressed in tomorrow's outfit?" Well, the first floor is big, bare and creepy. I'd have to take off my clothes in the morning, shower and put them back on. It's also dark and not financially wise to sleep with the lamp on.

How do you fall asleep? Do big comfy beds and silence actually work for you?

post- This is me about to ktfo on Chris' couch

post post- seek His will.

Ok yall

I'm stressin'. You know when you have that heavy feeling? Like for some reason you're just unhappy? Like there's stuff stressing you out and you're not sure what? I do and I don't know why.. so imma write about it.

1.

Problem: I lost my paycheck today.

Solution: Ask boss if it can be voided and if corporate can send me another one.

If solution fails: GET OVER IT AND DONT DO IT AGAIN MORON.

2.

Problem: I may have the chance to work at the Hyatt Hotel (my dream in action) but I don't wanna be disloyal to my amazing current employer.

Solution: Talk to ***** about what to do exactly with the lead I received, get a job at Hyatt, tell Resto friends that I'm leaving in fair time, change jobs.

If solution fails: If I don't get a job, GET OVER IT and quietly keep my lucky job. If I do get a job and things get tense, quit on bad terms. I hope it never comes to that.

3.

Problem: After taking a significant chunk out of my proud savings account to buy books (on top of losing my paycheck) I have no guilt-free spending money.

Solution: DONT BUY ANYTHING BUT GAS, DUH.

If solution fails: It won't. It better not. No Jimmy Johns tastes better than frugal, Stephen.

4.

Problem: I keep forgetting to work out.

Solution: Just FREAKING go!!!!

If solution fails: Eat eat eat eat eat eat eat for free at home. Gotta get big one way or another.

5.

Problem: Denver Rescue Mission wants me to come in once a week, which means I'll either have to be unavailable to work for another day or I'll have to stop going to Saturday night bible studies to make time.

Solution: Don't make another day unavailable for work (especially since you plan on changing jobs) and turn Saturday nights into Denver Rescue Mission time. Perhaps.

If solution fails: Helplessly take another time slot from my available work schedule.

6.

Problem: I don't sleep on time. I just don't because I don't want to, even though I know I have to if I want to stay awake the next day.

Solution: GO TO FREAKING SLEEP IF YOU HAVE TO FREAKING SLEEP!!

If solution fails: Pay the price and buy food to keep you awake in class.

If solution does fail and you have to go with your backup plan: Feel bad because my unnecessary insomnia now has a financial price.

Dude, I feel SO much better now that I laid it all out. I only got six problems and a bi*ch aint one. Who knew it was so simple?

Push no more.

I gradually became angry as today progressed, peaking with this soon-to-be angry blog entry.

During my lunch break, I shopped around the mall for my churchie's birthday present. No, one scarf is too dinky. A jacket for 50 bucks? Sorry man. Um.. hey, this Converse gym bag will do. He loves to play basketball. Perfect!

After I proudly purchased the bag, I went next door to pick up my paycheck. Much to my surprise, it was 100 dollars. 100 dollars?! Ummmm........ seriously.............?? Well, no.. Payroll's been cut drastically and I've started school so I guess it's understandable..

As I continued my evening kneeling on the dirty concrete floor in khakis, tediously organizing one hundred knobs and climbing up ladders to haul a massive boxes of crap, I started to think about the cool gym bag sitting in my locker. Next to my 100 dollar check.

That's when I got sorta mad. It seemed that I had spent a significant chunk of my tiny paycheck to buy a present for somebody who's never bought me anything in the past four years we've known each other. I told myself that I was being ridiculous and stingy, since this guy actually deserved a present from me.

Then I thought.. did he really?

I slowly got angrier as I slowly collected my thoughts. He didn't really deserve the gift: I just happened to like him more than everybody else. What has he done for me? Lent me a shoulder when I was going through something? Called to see what I was up to? Told me a special secret? Bought me anything at all for my past three birthdays? Made me feel like a significant friend? Uh, no. He just happened to never piss me off, which put him a step above everybody else. So did he really deserve this bag or was I just being Mr. Nice Guy?

During my long, tiring drive to Littleton without good music, I thought more about the bag. Like dominos, the thought of him lead me to the thought of everybody else in my life. It dawned on me that he wasn't the only person I had bought presents for while not receiving anything in return. Did anybody buy me anything for my past birthday aside from my mom, my ex-girlfriend, one friend and an adult who shared the same birthday? Didn't most of them say "Oh, it's your birthday today? Happy birthday!"

Still driving, I told myself, "presents (or lack thereof) didn't symbolize their appreciation. You're just being a stingy jerk. Stop being ridiculous"

That's when I realized that it wasn't about me buying presents or me not receiving any; it was about appreciation. If money rightfully didn't symbolize people's appreciation for me.. what did symbolize people's appreciation for me? Asking me out to play only when their significant others are busy at work? Calling me at four in the morning on a school night because there's nobody else to whine to during drunken sorrow? Constantly hassling me about my lack of muscle matter and strange choices in clothing? Failing to ever ask me how my life's going? Getting angry with me when I don't want to come pick them up on the opposite side of town? Pressuring me to take responsibilities that I don't want to take? Contacting me only when they have nowhere to live? Yapping away about their personal love lives and changing the subject one they're finished? Expecting me to pay for parking because I'm hitching an on-the-way ride? Simply being mean and rude to me? I didn't see much appreciation.

While stocking lotions in pissy manner, it hit me. This was all my fault. I'm a pushover. I'm so scared that people won't like me that I do what they tell me to. Nobody takes me seriously because I never get serious with people. Others don't get upset when I'm a bad friend because they don't care if I care or not. They're just degaf.

Like how my friend told me a while back that I'm supposedly "never angry with people." I'm only angry in my head. I don't do anything about it because I want to be Mr. Nice Guy. These people push me around because I let them.

STEPHEN!

So I decided that it has to end now. This part of me has to stop. I'm not whining about how sad I am. I'm not sad. I'm angry. With people, yes, but primarily myself. Nice guys finish last and I'm done, friends.

I'll probably give him the bag anyway. I dunno.

On a lighter note, I've been strangely attracted to this song. Can't get enough. Not sure why, but I've always liked Snoop Dogg. He's probably the only mainstream rapper I like.

Back to school

Perhaps its the emotional "come to me" playing or the cinematically dim lighting of my room, but I feel hollywood dramatic right now.

I'm so happy to be back at school. There's something about walking confidently across campus to the beats of passion pit dressed in a planned outfit; like I'm some hot model on a runway. Excuse me, it's the lighting.

My first day back was fantastic. I met Bomi in the morning to give a quick college-101 survival lecture (always look lonely on purpose, not on accident), bumped into Anhthu who I hadn't seen in months, bumped into Danielle while bumping into Anhthu (hehe), came across Allison Riley one minute before coming across Tran (I really sound dirty), saw Bomina in the library during my originally-quiet lunch, dined and wined with Bomi and Bora, properly met Jessie and appropriately finished the day with Soy, one of very few whom I'm entirely myself around.

I just realized. I met nine women that day and zero men... Not sure what that says about me. Time to venture out?

Anyway, this school year shall be quite exciting. I'm ready to experience things.

I like degaf-school Soy.

Have I ever looked more disgustingly smiley corny?

Preferable way to finish a swell day. I'm so blessed.

post- Elizabeth Lee, please spare the time of year to see your face on skype. Don't make me get clingy because I can.

post post- candid pitchers are DEFINITELY best. Unfortunately, there are never candid pitchers of me. Somebody take candid pitchers of me!

post post post- i found my new header pitcher thanks to Jihee's art book. Elizabeth, we should remake the pitcher. Doesn't he look so slimey? It's perfect.

210 days of summer

I really don't have the time to write. The post office closes in 1.5 hours and I have to buy headphones at walmart by 6 so that I can have one last supper with friends...

...Before...

SCHOOL STARTS! ASDFGHJKLASDFGHJKL!!!!!!!

I've been on summer vacation since May 2009. That's seven months kids. Seven months of youtubing. blogging. facebooking. learning about blankets.

I already feel giddy knowing I'll be riding a train, going to classes and reading books again. Though extremely dreadful, this semester off was a rewarding experience. I learned quite a bit through my free time (like how to dress [fit=everything] and how not to cure boredom [calling Elizabeth every day]) but I mainly learned to appreciate school. Be it brand name ivy league or dreadfully mediocre, school is school. Personally, education easily beats working my life away at a furniture store making 500 bucks a month. Sure I'm a rich teenager now but in ten years? Borderline pathetic.

To be honest, I'm still not 100% over the fact that I'll be frequently seeing everybody (not a good thing) but what can you do?

I'm so excited. New back pack, new to-do list, new computer, new friends, new confidence, an incredible wardrobe and the same old passion to rightfully exterminate all academic competition. I'm going to be so active this year. New friendships, homeless tutoring, sports games, a gazzzziiillionnnn shows, art events, fashion shows and I might even join a club. A club! I never join clubs. Unless I'm at Harvard, I'm typically 100% anti-school-spirit. I can't wait.

post- i need to complain. I got all A pluses during my first semester freshman year, but they were credited as regular A's. Second semester, I got one A minus and it was counted as an A minus. My GPA went from 4.0 to 3.85. UM, EXCUSE ME CU DENVER? CAN YOU SAY RITARDED? If you don't want to give me more than four points then at LEAST write an effing plus sign at the end!

post- I'm such a terrible son. such an angry, pissy son.

Kayla Brewster

Brewster & co. called me out to chill because Skylar's parents kicked everybody out of the house until midnight for marital date night. After eating Hawaiian Barbeque, carefully inspecting a 7-11 for undercover goodies and parking lot pimpin' for a while, we found that Aurora offered very little public entertainment past 9 PM.

So I drove us to a chilllllllllllllaxing middle eastern restaurant downtown that serves hookah. I've done it once before and I'm not sure that I have an opinion on it. It's legal, I feel 1000% a.o.k. after and I simply enjoy blowing smoke rings (which I've mastered with Skylar's tips). Is the occasional tobacco really "bad?" Actually, I do have an opinion. I don't think it's bad. Sometimes I get too overanalyitcal-bible-scholar on here so if you really want to know my opinion, well, too bad.

Pita, hummus, rice, chicken, beef and grilled turd.

Such a gangsta lady. Such a rugged man. Nohomo.

HAH! BOTH OF YOU!

I tried to un-red my eye but... It looks glass?

It felt nice. The first time physically hanging out with old friends who know my former secret and are able to offer witty yet honest repartee. I called myself a potential cocksucker and we laughed.

post- Switchfoot, Miike Snow and Passion Pit are coming to Denver. Probably not, probably yes, FOSHO!

Things that I dislike.

A friend said some time ago that I'm always happy. I'm "too happy." I'm rarely mad at people and never have drama going on. True, but completely false. Tis because I bich with my brain and not with my mouth, as I'm sure c12ux readers are quite aware. Tis also because I'm a people pleaser borderline pushover, wouldn't you agree?

For the sake of reminding the world that I'm extremely judgmental and pessimistic, here's something I need to pointlessly complain about. I actually like to complain quite a bit. In fact, I fancy complaining so much that I go to extraordinary lengths to do so (like facebook researching to write a blog entry at 3:32 AM). If you don't appreciate occasional rants then a) un-follow me and b) go read a book.

I was thinking upon my gayness and that led to thinking upon women. Then teenage girls. Then teenage girls and all of their flaws. Then why I'd never be into a teenage girl. I am irked, bothered, and uselessly annoyed by these feminine phenomenon:

1. Dramatic girls. Catty girls. She dated him, she's a bitch, she talked shit about me, she's ugly as fuck, she's easy. I hate her I hate her I hate her I hate her. Srsly ladies, grow up and let. it. go. Fact: not everybody is going to like you. I mean we all complain (like I am now) but not about such trivial things (I'm contradicting myself). Do the maturely immature thing and just cut them off of your brain entirely. Guys hate hearing you whine. So do girls unless they're just as annoying and on your side.

2. Pictures like these. I hope they never see this blog.

Ladies. Take pictures like these and gape at your fluorescent beauty on your own time. Taking a picture of your face is bad enough; don't draw on it and please don't make it your profile picture. Just my flomo opinion, right?

3. Insecurity. We're all insecure. I hate my screeching laugh and could use a lesson in fresh breath. But girls who put it out there and expect some sort of pity party- now that's embarrassing. This gal took a picture with the wondergirls and made it a profile picture. Aw, I would too. Wouldn't we all?

Under it she writes: LOL i actually match them, wearin a red tanktop underneath,, awww im so glad they're wearing my fave color! =DD but but, this is my bad side =(( ah well, they all outshine me newway hahaa and yoobin is darker than me but maybe that's just the lighting? I didn't think that was possible for an asian to be darker than me.. but I guess I lightened up haha YESS hahahahaa =)

Am I h8ing or does this broad scream insecurity with a side order of denial?

4. Girls that type like this: lookie at mai puppieeeee keke~~ her name is duchess~~ int she just the purdiest thing?? ^^ soOo am i going to see you any time soon~~*??." Nuff said.

I'm disgustingly satisfied with myself for putting my thoughts into writing. I've thought these for a while but never knew what/when/how to say them.

And just in case I've offended you and you feel the need to bash me right back, let me tell you something. You may dislike skinny gay Koreans with atypically long torsos that spend too much time on the internet and like to pretend like anybody cares what they have to say but, hey. That's your prerogative.

Sex and Haiti

It was a typical work-less, school-less, friend-less night in my bedroom: tangerines, my book, a venti glass of water in my starbucks mug and the complete series of Sex and the City (like a true flomo) at my online fingertips.

After watching 5 thirty-minute episodes (my limit), I was unable to sleep and desperately searched for something productive to do on the web. It seemed that my brain hadn't sufficiently turned to crap because I turned to youtube. Don't judge me, it was a work-less school-less and friend-less night, remember?

Anyway, while looking for some quick entertainment on the top videos page, I saw Haiti relief videos. Everywhere. I didn't click on any of them because I've been ignoring them all this time. They're like homeless people moping along on the street. Though it's best to ask them if they need some help or buy them a blanket and some refried beans, we typically turn cold shoulders because we don't know what to do, we can't give them what they really need and we'd rather not face our feelings of pity. Which lead to feelings of guilt.

Like a wet dollar bill in a downtown oil/sewage puddle, I saw a "100 best wipeouts of 2009" video. Truth is, I wanted to watch people crash their bikes into trees more than find out what's happening with the teens in Haiti begging people to help get their moms out from under concrete. I didn't want to want the shameful thing, but a dollar's always nice, right?

That's when I realized that I'm a selfish, ignorant, spoiled pig.

Suddenly, fashion seemed so stupid. Pointless, spoiled and irrelevant. Who cares what's "in" or what garments best express your personality when your mother is stuck under the ground? Same went for television, sour tangerines, relationships and even my sexuality discombobulation. I felt stupid.

So I watched them. Not all of them, just some of them.

I still don't know what to do. Or even what we teenagers in Colorado can do. So I just prayed. Prayed for faith that God's will be done. He works in the strangest of ways..

Post- Sometimes I wonder when a tragic disaster, natural or North Korean, is going to occur in my hopefully 80 more years of life. I'm expecting at least one.

Post- WHY is the FIRST google image of "Haiti Earthquake" a paparazzi shot of Brangelina on the red carpet? WHAT is wrong with us and our delusional lifestyles?

Some guys

are just.. weird. And annoying. And generally forever hopeless.

It's one thing to say "did you see how low her shirt was? Her boobs are so big! I likey" and have me respond "Sick! Boobs aren't my thing hahha"

It's quite another to say "so I saw she was wearing a low shirt and i couldn't stop looking! Like, I didn't mean to but you know she's got big boobs. Were you looking too...? Yeah.. it was prettty awkward..." and leave me unable to say anything.

Don't some guys think before they speak in public?

post- awkward is a TERRIBLE word. I think it's my least favorite word of all time, next to however, tomorrow, shit and juxtaposition.

Physical Conexion

My fobs/churchies/friends/colleagues/family/whatever they are to me came back from their 4D3N fob retreat today. I met the typical members tonight at Village Inn where we talked and laughed for about two hours over an unoriginal assortment of fried foods and grease-ridden midnight burritos.

Tangent: When I quietly think about them to myself, I don't like them. The idea of being an integral part of a well known fob/church group.. But when I'm with them just talking, praying, laughing or playing praise songs, I realize how much I take them for granted. They're like my family really... I think we all have friends like that: you don't like the idea of them but you can't deny how precious they are to you. Maybe that's just the case with all family-like friends. You love em but you hate em. ANYWAY (tangent: it's a major pet peeve of mine when people put an "s" at the end of "anyway." Seriously irks me).

While we loudly shared random stories of crushes, faith, heartache, family, looks and general gossip, I was surprised at how much fun I was having. It was quite nice to sit in a cozy booth with my friends and simply stare at them while they talked like raging baboons. Also, while I was driving Eunju home, I realized how good of a friend I am to her (cocky, but hey this is my blog right?). I mean, we meet up at midnight to gossip at a diner and then I drive her home at 2:30 in the AM, singing obnoxiously along the way- and that's when it hit me! The physical connection in a relationship (I'm talking plutonic) is so important. It's vital. It's almost 50% of the actual bond itself

Those little moments when we pretend to be pop-stars in the car or when we shamelessly meet dressed in our pajamas or when we're physically laughing together, slapping one another (if you're Korean) or when we're simply syncing menstrual cycles- these seemingly trivial memories are what actually make friendships into like.. iono.. precious moments crap.. ukno? And they're all due to physically interaction. I mean, you can't share these things with somebody through text or the telephone. Unfortunately, this is why we lose many wonderful friends once college or expired visas pull us apart.. Chang, my once truest friend.. I miss us.

I have to say that I fall victim to the physical curse. If you know me, I'm generally prettttty dgaf about keeping in touch with people. A good 99.999% of my relationships only last because I see the person often enough to sit at a cafe and catch up. Otherwise, I'm not going to lay on my bed with a hot piece of metal on my face pretending like I wanna know all about UC Irvine. The curse commonly has the opposite effect on me as well, such as taking my physical friends for granted or easily becoming annoyed by them because they're so available.

Ah, I'm bad.. tonight made me realize that I need to stop being a spoiled little btch and realize how lucky I am to have a close group of family-like friends with me in Aurora, Colorado, USA.

Oh and long distance relationships? Don't even get me started...

I went to a wine bar/cafe to watch one of Danielle's talented friends sing with her band. Made me really wanna be a musician... Somebody teach me guitar for free =) I'll make you pillsbury instant cookies

post- would you rather be pale or tan..? im growing an obsession for tan skin. I hate the asian craze with milky white skin. Aren't bronze, dark, defined faces more interesting?

post post- my gums EFFING. HURT.

Wisdom teeth

Who knew those suckers could cause such torment! Right after coming out (sounds weird to say that still) I got my wisdom teeth removed and... that's been all I could really think about the past few days.

I just woke up after successfully being in deep sleep for about thirty minutes. Again. Since my three remaining wisdom teeth were removed a whopping three days ago, I've been having irregular naps. Kinda like the eat-eight-small-meals-a-day thing but for my circadian rhythm. Thankfully, by the grace of God I imagine, I haven't had work for the past three days so this hasn't been a problem.

Let me break it down for you. The only reason I'm suffering unlike the time when my first wisdom tooth was removed this past summer and I ate barbeque that same night is because one of my stupid teeth didn't have enough room because it was too fat and ergo grew sideways, ready to bombarde my happy normal teeth at any moment (see picture). Much like oral childbirth, the strange position of the tooth made it quite difficult for the dentist, who literally pulled on my face with all of his might, to get the damn thing out. After about 5 songs (oldschool radio was playing) I heard a refreshing slush- the sound of a tooth being ripped out of ones gum. The pain, however, wasn't during the operation itself (thanks to the brilliant minds who made numbing crap) but during recovery.

Uncontrollable bleeding. RIDICULOUS bleeding. I was gushing blood like I got in some hardxcore fight like the cool Korean actor vs. the idiot 20 member gang. My sink has so many bloody gauzes that it looked straight out of a horror movie. I also wasn't able to open my mouth for about a day because my jaw was so soar from being forced open for so abnormally long. I still haven't brushed my teeth (three.... days...... yuck.....) and I can imagine how attractive they look after marinating for three days in foul breath and dry blood. The pain is occasionally so intense that I can't do anything except moan, bang on the wall, kick plastic bags, kick the christmas tree box and shiver on the floor while pulling my hair out. I mean, you're starving, you can't sleep, you can't just stare at a monitor and your gum is throbbing. ?hat can you do? Sit on your chair and read?

OH and the starving! Emaciation. I felt thinner than Kate Moss in the bathroom during fashion week. Ice creams, milk shakes, water, rice water..... no solid food. No wonder I unleashed a hurricane at the Cherry Creek mall bathroom today.

And lastly, though I'm not sure why, this whole debacle has made me kinda sick. I shiver like mad in the mornings and feel like I'm going to throw up throughout the day. And my feet are very very very very dry. Typical reaction? Maybe it's my body reacting to the advil and swelling-reducing pills.

Anyway, I should be better by tomorrow. My left cheek is still quite fat but I can open my mouth, swallow food (painfully) and thankfully brush my once-clean teeth. Thank you umma, Elizabeth and dailybooth friends for bearing with my ridiculous yet justified (in my opinon) whining for the past three days. I'm finally at the end of this unforgettable journey...

...oh wisdom teeth... how I absolutely resent you and want you to die a slow and painful death each and every day while rotting in the firery pits of hell.

post- The dentist was pretty chill and let me keep them (not normal). I wanna do SOMETHING with them, as gross and hannibal lecter as that may sound. what should i do? maybe a cool ring that i'll tell people is fake? no thats creepy. iono... draw on them and take cool digital macro pics? turn them into an art exhibit?

post post- look my new header. i wanna go in there forever.

Yup,

I'm gay.

I've been thinking for two songs how to start this blog entry, but I prefer the straightforward way. The rumors are true, your first impressions were correct. I'm gay. I've lied to my friends and family and have intentionally fooled most of you. No questions asked, this isn't a phase.

I'm gay.

I've always been gay.

I've never been straight. I've never liked sports. I've never been very brave. I've never been in a fight.

I've never been attracted to hot women. I've never had the urge to sleep with my girlfriend. I've never wanted to fondle Megan Fox's breasts.

I've always been attracted to hot men since I first learned what being attracted to somebody meant (and only hot men so don't flatter yourself haha).

Another song's passed. Not sure where to begin again. You see, there are so many things I want to say regarding who I've already told, when I decided to come out, and how I've been dealing with this personally- but that's not the point. That's not why I'm revealing myself through a public blog entry. Most of you guys aren't my friends and don't know me well enough on a personal basis; so why would I share irrelevant details like how Elizabeth, per se, reacted to me telling her? At least not right now and most definitely not without her permission haha.

I'm not doing this for blog views. I'm not doing this for comments. I'm not doing this because it's tearing me apart inside. I'm not doing this to prove to those whom I've already told that I'm sure of my sexuality. I don't need to do anything. The reason I've decided to finally reveal myself on my public blog read by both friends and stalkers alike is simply because I want to. I want to share my insight with you. I want the unaware majority of you to know about being gay and especially about what it means to be a gay Christian.

First and foremost, being gay isn't a choice. At least not for me. I didn't/wouldn't ever choose to be part of this minority and face scrutiny and judgmental remarks from my peers. I don't choose to be into style and fashion. I don't choose to feel comfy in tight clothes. I don't choose to have a limp wrist. I don't choose to squirm when I see insects. I don't choose to not have an attraction for Megan Fox. I don't choose to be attracted to Jerome Santos. I just am. So it's not very fair to look down on me, or any of us for that reason, is it? My sexuality is quite similar to your sexuality. Most of you didn't choose to be straight: you just are and always have been since you can remember. Although I want to share every specific, interesting detail about my past girlfriends/flings/whatevs and how they worked, I'll do that some other time. Back to the point.

I've always struggled between my sexuality, which isn't a choice, and my faith, which is a choice. I can't choose to be straight, but I could've always chosen to not be a Christian. I always thought it was one or the other so I chose Christianity and rejected homosexuality. Until I recently realized that I can, to some extent, have both.

Let me try to break down months worths of conversations and years worths of thoughts into just a few paragraphs for you: I choose to be a Christian. If I choose to call myself a Christian then I should damn well try to follow Christian word and not be some Christian poser. Posers are pathetic.

But I'm gay, which isn't a simple on-off switch. For example, I could just choose not to cuss but I couldn't/can't just choose to be into girls. So how was I supposed to be gay and still be a Christian? That was always my biggest struggle, until I realized something.

I'm a Christian who will forever model his life after Jesus Christ, the perfect man who died a slow and painful death so that, as the perfect sacrifice, my sins would be forgiven and the undeserving like me could be with him in heaven. However, along with being a Christian, I'm also a white liar. I also covet my friend's Yale education. I'm also very greedy and believe money will solve all of my problems. I also have a strong desire to get a half sleeve. I also judge people for their clothing. I'm also gay.

You see, I'm a sinner just like you and just like all of God's children.

tangent: here's a personal pet peeve of mine. I was talking to this church leader about Perez Hilton getting punched by Will.I.Am and he said "who's that, the gay guy?" and made this disgusted grimace with his face. Perez Hilton isn't "the gay guy"... he's the douche blogger that gets punched in the face. Yet said leader told my tattooed, cigarette smoking, semeingly thuggish brother that God is for everyone. Yet he's grossed out by and looks down on gay guys. I mean, are gay guys exempt from the "love your brothers" rule because gay brothers are more like sistas? It jaded me. Anyway, back to my point.

I can try my best to behave like some legit Christian but the bottom line is that I'll always sin. Be evil. Reject God's word. Whatever you call it. But, if I were really a legit Christian, I'd do my best to model myself after Jesus, and that means to try to overcome my sinful nature. I never will, but I should always try. It's the least I could do for God, who died for me and continues to bless my sinful life. I should try I not to covet, try not to be superficial, try not to cuss out idiots, try not to get more tattoos and try not to be gay.

But remember, being gay wasn't/isn't a choice for me and I assume that it's biologically impossible to change one's sexuality. Still, I believe that He doesn't give me anything that I can't overcome. I believe that if He can part oceans, make the paralyzed walk, make me magically pass my AP exam (not joking) and make some have the ability to speak in tongue, then he can make gay people straight.

My point is, I'm gay. I've always been gay. It's not my choice. I like hot guys and I like to stare at hot guys. It's part of my sinful nature, which we all have so don't be a hypocritical Christian and look down on me for mine. But I'm also a saved Christian who tries to model himself after Jesus and tries to be salt and light in this world, though I will inevitably fail time and time again. I try out of love. I do it for He who died a gruesome death on the cross for those who don't deserve to know Him. For He who died for sinners.

That's me..

So what am I going to do? Date hot guys? Force myself not to ask out people that I like? Date hot girls? Try to honestly date a girl as best as I can? Pray to change my sexuality? Pray to accept it? Am I just "hating myself" and being "brainwashed" by "religion?" Am I just like every other gay Christian who eventually just goes gay? Will I get a boyfriend and finally be happy with a person? Will I one day be straight and happily be with some chick? I'm not sure yet. All I know is that I'm gay, I'm a Christian and I love my God. Sorry to leave you with a giant question mark but.. welcome to my world! I'm not sure where I fit in because my beliefs are too conservative for the fun homo world and too liberal for the church world.. well.. some people in the church world.

Sometimes (probably very often) I'll regret coming out to the world and not dying as a privately gay man. I'll look at straight, macho guys happy with their beautiful girlfriends and be sad that I don't/won't have that. But most times, you gotta act like a man, suck it up, move on and be who you are.

post- I apologize to all my friends who had to find out this way and to the women in my romantic life that I haven't been honest with.

post post- I guess I'm publicly a gay guy now.. so.. feel free..

Bad Romance

I've technically been in like.. iono.. four?? relationships.. per se.. but I've only really been in one. It lasted exactly one month. I'm not only pessimistic about my personal relationships but relationships in general.

Here's my raw, bleak view on relationships: The longer it lasts, the closer the two get, the more they fall in love,

the deeper and deeper the two sink into an ever-deepening pit with only one one-time-use teleportation device.

Some people like being in these pits together. In fact, they love being in the pit together so much that they build a house in the ever deepening pit. They raise their children in the still deepening pit. Life goes on and on in that happy little ridiculously-deep pit-

until, whether through malicious or unintentional circumstance, one of the two uses the only teleporting device to get their ass outta that pit quickly and painlessly. They can easily move on and find somebody else to sink into love with. The other person is then left in this variably deep pit with nothing but their hands and feet to climb their way out.

Here are the only non-shady ways I can think of in which this inevitable effect is caused:

• Sometimes, like a month long relationship, the pit is only knee deep and is therefore not very challenging for the left behind to escape from. Both parties are somewhat degaf about what happened. Little struggle, little significance.

• Other times, after living in an ever deepening pit with new children, new grandchildren and a broad family tree in their front yard, one of the long-time players is disqualified by natural causes. I'm talking death. They didn't choose to gtfo of the pit; it just happened in a non-shady way. Still, the other long-time player, possibly a frail grandmother, is stuck with perhaps no chance of ever finding the strength to climb out and move on.

Unfortunately, most pits both shallow and never-ending become traps through douchey means:

• The pit is deep. So deep that the two lovebirds have lost contact with the outside world. All they have is each other. the pit gets deeeper and deeeper as they grow closer and closer. Then, one member decides to step into the only one-time-use teleporting device to gtfo of the vast pit and move on. The other member is now stuck with nobody. Their happy little escape suddenly turns into this deep trap. How are they ever going to get out of this pit that the douche has left them in? Blister after blister, ache after ache. I've seen this happen to my mother. I've seen this happen to my friends. I've seen this happen to Carrie Bradshaw.

Call me a cynic, but it is what it is? I know it's not A's fault if they don't like B: I'm just saying that pits are kinda sad. Am I saying that romance's kinda sad? Yeah maybe. Be careful in your pits and weigh the consequences if your fellow love bird were to ever gtfo. Knock on wood!

There is, however, one escape route if you're left in the dirt (pun). Something you can call on to save you and get you out. Something that'll get you moving on with your life. I think you all know what Stefin's talking about.

post- just to reemphasize and disclaim, there are many pits that live happily ever after. I'm just sayin..

It Feels Good to be Free

My New Years Eve was probably one of the funnest (I'm pretty damn sure "funnest" is grammatically correct) times I've had all 2009. Two years ago, I went to my new Colorado church to welcome in 2007 and say goodbye to 2006, the most dreadful year of my life. I eagerly waited to dismiss bad times by refreshingly shouting "HAPPY NEW YEAR! GOODBYE 2006!" at the top of my lungs. But no. The pastor calmly turned around to watch the clock and, as everybody prayed to themselves, he timidly counted down "three... two.... one.... yes..... it is now the new year everybody....... lets pray...."

I love my church and I love my God but I'm just saying.. that particular New Years Eve was the first and last one I would physically spend at the church.

Anyway.. back to the point. Last night was amazing. Until 5PM, I didn't have any plans. Female friends had their boyfriends, male friends had church and I had nowhere to go. Knowing they were doing something exciting at their downtown apartment, I asked Jihee and Danielle if I could come over. Who knew inviting yourself to a party could be such a good idea!

I decided to be Korean and bring a housewarming gift by purchasing Smartfood's White Cheddar Popcorn (THE BEST) and Tostitos with salsa con queso. In the beginning, I was a little bit shy so I relied on my chips to keep me company. Note to self: eating a bag of chips is an effective wallflower technique. It was initially just Jihee, her sister, Danielle and two other friends drinking and blasting loud but incredibly fun music. We guido'd, gaga'd and I tried a banana shot that smelled quite delicious but, obviously, tasted like firery crap. We then wrote down our resolutions on some cool burn-me-and-I-fly-away paper and ran outside at 11:45 to burn them.

Lower downtown Denver was crazy! The street was packed with friendly strangers busily handing out high-fives and eager to take pictures for our group. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised that they didn't steal the camera when we gave it to them.. there'd have been no better opportunity.

ANYWAY, when the clock rang 12, I thanked God, I called mommy, I screamed at Elizabeth and got my new years kiss from Jineesha. The fireworks were stunning. I could feel the happiness brewing inside me (maybe it was the salsa con queso and banana thing) and as I kept screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR! WOO!" Such a surreal moment of harmony between me and the possibly thousands of people on the street. Maybe it was just all in my head.. I get strangely dramatic whenever I see fireworks.

We went back into the warm apartment to be greeted by some friends and some friends of friends (aka strangers). I wasn't shy at all, seeing as how I couldn't break my resolution after just fifteen minutes, and mingled with many random guys and dolls. Then, both extremely tired and scared to get hit by a drunk driver, I spent the night. Waking up and walking in the brilliantly bright downtown at 9 in the morning was a great way to say hello to the new year. I love my Lord, I love my family, I love my friends and I love myself. 2009 left with a bang and 2010 is going to be one of the best.

But.... I didn't mean to wear a hat on New Years Eve... I just ran out of hair product =(

FINAL DAY

I'm so excited for midnight. Not because I have anything going on, particularly, but because I can't wait for 2010 to start.

Remember, the opportunity to create new years resolutions only comes once a year so make them worthwhile and fulfill them.

post- occasionally when I see videos like this I think to myself "It'd be nice to be black." Black skin complexion looks good with color and black hair is so unique. I'd get reallllllly long dreads like a woman.

The cliche blog

I kinda just woke up from a 12 hour sleep, which I justify considering how rarely I get to sleep for 12 hours. It's already December 28th. New Years is just around the corner and, since I wasted my entire day, I guess there's nothing to do but to reflect.

Let me briefly sum up Stephen's simple 2009 for you in order of occurrence.

• Kicked off the year in my hometown (January)
• Fell in love when "Gee" came out (February)
• Finished my first year of college with flying colors (May)
• Got wait-listed by NYU (June)
• Went to Korea and, after indescribable pain, truly accepted C.U. Denver at a cool Cafe in a rich Korean alley (June)
• Took a semester off from school to recuperate from said "indescribable pain." (August)
• Landed my first credible job at Restoration Hardware (August)
• Made 120 bucks from my first writing gig; 80 still pending lol (October)
• Went to Syracuse and had a mad fun wikend (November)
• Broke a bone to put it in it's rightful place, so to speak (November)
• Accepted myself (December)

I have just a few things to say about 2010. It's going to be one of the best years of my life. Not only is it an awesome number (2010) but it's a year where I don't have anything to be let down by. No major tests to fail, no college to get rejected by, no issue to tear my family apart, nada.

Just. Smooth. Sailing.

I don't want to brag and make others with a possibly less hopeful year feel bad, but I love saying it because I've waited so long for it. JUST SMOOTH SAILING.

With that said, I have only three resolutions this year that I will accomplish. Matter of fact.

1. Do it (not sex).

2. Ruthlessly murder my academic competition. It's been too long.

3. Be myself and not shy. Sounds ridiculously cliche to even call this cliche, but it is what it is.

Oh, wait, I do have one minor resolution: get Eliza to come to CO for summer. This may not happen and I may be let down but whatevs.. I don't like her that much anyway.

post- Thanks for the jacket tips. I'm only going to wear white under it. I'm going to rip off the zippers and only wear it on extremely cold days.. that way I'll blend in with everybody else and their fat parkas. Since it's so fobby, it'll probably look best over a wife beater but A) I don't have that body yet so I don't want to and B) who wears just a wife beater on "extremely cold" days?

post post- I'm going to stop calling you, Elizabeth, "Eliza." "Elizabeth" sounds so proper and fancy.

post post post- Speaking of names, I might start going by "Stefin." I never liked "Stevin" and I always thought "Stefin" was a just embarrassing and stupid but.. I decided to randomly introduced myself to a customer as "Hello, this is Stefin, how can I help you?" and she replied "Hey Stefin, I'm looking for blabalba." It had a nice ring to it.

The Hair that Stunned a Nation.

Twas lunch today at church when I sat down to mingle with my folks before I had to leave for work. As I casually said hello to a few people, iSpied **** (an average AzN joe who works at Abercrombie and Fitch) walking up to the table with Ben.

..uh oh....

He walks in with his hair looking like a petrified porcupine a' la guido. I mean, he obviously styled it that way because he wanted to.. so obviously I wasn't about to humiliate the guy in front of everyone, including little 14 year old girls, by tell him he failed miserably at trying to look nice. It was his own style, nah mean?

However the real reason I felt uh-oh wasn't because he looked like a homicidal birds nest but because I knew that everyone else knew that he looked bad and because I knew that many of my fellow church goers lack the human instinct of common courtesy.

As he and his hair slowly made way towards the dining table, I could hear our tongues itching to contribute to our brains' conversations. Finally, like gunshot, I heard it.

"Hey! What's wrong with your hair?! HAHA"

I quickly turned my head to painfully witness ****'s reaction. ****, grimacing, was understandably dumbounfed and stuttered, unable think of a snappy comeback.

"I mean, it looks so weird! It's like this!" says Idiot while making firework motions with his hands at each ear.

Both extremely annoyed and unable to watch the pathetic scenario, I say, "Shut up~ he did it that way because he wanted to!"

"I mean I know but HAHA what is this?" Idiot replies while still protecting his ears from flies

As I thought back on the situation while folding expensive robes at work, I felt so regretful. There were so many things I shouldda couldda said to that fool. "Look at you, you immature walrus. Your lego-like helmet of a hairstyle is retired and makes your head look hella bigger than it already is. And at least **** dresses nice for an Abercrombie boy, you always wear the same stupid Aeropostale fleece jacket with fobby Engrish T-shirt everyday thinking they make you cool. So leave him alone until you fix your own style felonies."

What bothered me the most was... why are Koreans always so critical? This reminded of me when I decided to do my hair like this one night. Just for fun and because I thought I looked nice (by nice I mean standoutish and interesting lol). As soon as I arrived, my friend goes "Um.. what did you to to your hair.. lol you look like a bird."

Um.... why can't we just stop criticizing people and just make everybody a bit more happy with and confident about themselves? That's one solution. The other is to degaf. Which I will do from now on because Aerpostale doesn't even deserve to make me feel stupid.

post- bye scott, it was fun.

post post- hi monimouse =)

post post post- is anybody else as annoyed with facebook as I am? I'm so self conscious to talk to my friends now geez!

help me please.

My kind mother bought me this expensive jacket for Christmas.

.............................................sigh.....

I'm thankful, obviously, but I hate the person who designed the thing.

The three wannabe-hardxcore zippers flaunt "Calvin Klein" on them.. which is probably the worst part because a) Calvin Klein isn't cool and b) I dislike when people flaunt brand names like it's supposed to be impressive.

I tried it on and I look absolutely terrible. The strange neck, the short length, the fat arms, GAH! I asked my resident stylist Eliza what I should do and this was her reply:

"omg it looks HORRIBLE. i don't know what to tell you. i have no idea what you would do with it because my mom has two jackets like that and they don't work everytime she wears them. but she's a woman and you are a foolish boy of 19. its harder to convince the critics namsayin."

So, iWorld, I turn to you. Most of my readers are prettty stylish kids so I ask you to help me make this jacket work. I want to wear it proudly and make my mom feel good, nam sayin? Black skinny pants? Biker shades? Slice off the zippers? Add some corny studs? Over a white T-shirt? Clown shoes??????

I mean, even the model looks ta'hrrible lol

Operation: corgi

Today's Christmas. Praise Jesus, thank Jesus, love Jesus. That's all I have to say about that.

I have quite important things to say about 2010, but they've all been ruthlessly pushed aside because.......

... I've found a Colorado Corgi breeder! Don't worry, they're reputable and yadda yadda- did I ask for your opinion?

Here's me to-do list.

1. Convince mom to let me buy another family member. (CHECK!)

2. Get a credit card that's been approved for at least $1,000. (ugh.....)

3. Contact the family and convince them that I'll be a good owner.

4. Reserve a puppy or perhaps buy one that's already been born.

5. Name him, love him forever.

I looked through my local pounds and there weren't any Corgis. Am I messed up for wanting to raise a certain type of dog?

Post- My banner's a piece by Nadia Plesner for Darfur reform. I take it as reminding statement to myself against my materialism?

the reminder

I hate holidays. My mom is like screaming in my room and it's pissing me off. Finally. she. left.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERY new year. EVERY thanksgiving. EVERY july 4th. EVERY christmas. Restaurants are closed, work is off, nobody's playing a show, friends are with family, I'm online all day staring at an inactive facebook page, my only other family member stays put in her room equally demolishing her brain with Korean crap. In my household, holidays pass by like every other day. Unless you know what I mean, you don't know what I mean.

"Come with me to church this year."

"Go by yourself"

I got uncontrollably annoyed and pissed when she said this because I've been hearing the same nonchalant answer for 5 years.

"I DONT FEEL LIKE GOING BY MYSELF."

"WHY ARE YOU GIVING ME AN ATTITUDE"

"BECAUSE MAYBE I WANT TO SPEND A HOLIDAY WITH MY FAMILY LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE"

"WELL WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO"

I HATE HOLIDAYS. ITS A REMINDER TO EVERYBODY IN BROKEN FAMILIES JUST HOW BROKEN IT IS.

Why don't you cook a nice dinner? Why don't you travel? Why don't you visit your family?

That's useless, that's impossible, that's just as impossible.

My emotions are extra intense right now, but this has been going on for what.. 5/6 years? I just want... whatevs

edit: it's been about an hour. Whenever there's a family issue (the hardest issues) I release my anger through messy, rash, uncontrollable writing. But hey, it's better than punching holes in the walls and getting wasted. Now I feel bad and want to.. apologize. But we never apologize in my family. I always say "I'm hungry" and my mom cooks me something.. it's the Bae family form of affection. Sigh... my feelings of anger have been replaced with feelings of sadness. This shouldn't be a sad time. Or an angry time. Or a typical time..

My sushiberry nights

As I continue my abnormally extracurricular life during my brother's stay, I went to Soy's very-eligible boyfriend's impressive apartment today for a typical dinner with 100 dollars worth of sushi. Bomi needed somebody to pick her up from H-mart (what a fob) so I quickly showered and haphazardly put an ensemble together.

Tangent: when you don't know what to wear and you don't have time to think, black everything and any T-shirt in the world is always a safe choice.

I'm not sure why, but I just decided to pay extra attention to my hair today. I'm due for a haircut and it's cut pretty typically but I actually blow-dried and glued it into some sort of style today. Iono why, I guess I just wanted my hair to look aiite since everything else was just o.k. I sound like a superficial narcissist. ANYWAY the point of this entry is coming so hold on.

Bomi, Scott and I got there right on time since punctuality is quite attractive and saw Soy waiting with Aggie at Chris' apartment (she had a key. a key!! HOW CUTE!). I hadn't seen Aggie in a while and the first thing she said to me was "hey you did your hair."

It wasn't really a compliment, but it wasn't said in disapproving tone. As in, she just noticed that I did my hair ukno? I greatly appreciated that somebody acknowledged my choice to kind of look o.k. because otherwise I'd go home in a few hours and wash the hair I assembled that nobody seemed to have noticed/cared about. Yettetimean?

So if you see some girl looking pretty or some guy lookin' fly, just give them a compliment. Or a shout out. Maybe it's just narcissistic people like Eliza and me but small comments like those make our day.

post- Thanks brother for paying for my share of the expensive sushi.

post post- Thanks Eliza for the conversation last night.

post post post- Thanks Soy and Chris for tonight.

post post post post- I'm in search of the PERFECT sweatshirt but I can't find it. I think everybody has one sweater/sweatshirt that they always wear for like every lazy occasion. I'm looking for the perfect one to wear all the time at school cus it's the one you're always seen in and it's the piece of clothing people imagine you in when they think of you so it best be the perfect one for you right?

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

Apologies for posting two entries in one day but I don't like deleting posts (for reflective purposes) and I feel the immense need to share how I feel.

Christmas is in less than a week. Can you believe it?! So far, Christmas hasn't felt like much more than credit cards, online banking and cardboard boxes. However, I just watched the Charlie Brown Christmas special and, once again, I've been sucked into the spirit.

It's a happy happy time right now. Family, cold weather, warm beds, trees both natural and plastic alike.

It makes me remember.. Christ came down not as a superhero or a heavenly, glowing spirit like the eye of Sauron.. but as a baby who needed to be taken care of. How humbling.

Merry Christmas my dear friends, stalkers and Charlie Brown. I suddenly feel the joy and I hope you do too.

P.S. this is my favorite Christian song. Possibly my favorite general song as well. I give credit where credit is due.. c:

Sylvia...

Like every other young adult, my brother has come "home" for the holiday season from his Navy Duty. This being the first time we've been getting along since we played mission in my mom's van, I've been making an effort to show him a good time. Dinner with Soy, karaoke with fobs, house party at Seulki's, church, possible hookah downtown and overall Christmas cheer.

This newfound role as tour guide made me see my life through the tourist's eyes. Do you know what I mean? Like an out-of-body sort of thing where I examined my life through objective eyes. What does he think about these people? What does he think of this place?

That's when I realized how amazingly dull my life is, how repetitive this town is and how the only reason the tour guide isn't as bored as the tourist is because he's unconsciously adjusted his life into this square lifestyle. Today's the first time in a long time that I felt really homesick. I usually never think about Rancho Cucamonga and its past glees but when I occasionally do, I wish I could forget. Like erase the galleries of pictures in my head so that I wouldn't have anything to be homesick about and compare this town to.

I told Elizabeth how upset I was and she told me to "suck it up!" Tough love for sure. But I mean, what can I do about it?

SO I SUCKED IT UP. Stop sulking and look ahead. I'll soon be out of here and life will quickly move on. I'll probably be upset when I repeat my weekly routine as of tomorrow but.. what can you do?

Monthly emo entry: over

What you waiting for?

I was listening to one of my favorite songs (what you waiting for [Jacques Lu Cont remix]) in all of its 8 minute glory and I realized.. what the heck am I waiting for?

It starts with the ticking of a clock. Gwen tauntingly sings "tick tock tick tock." As the beat goes faster and faster, I glance through my friends list. Sarah got in a car accident yesterday, Sunny got married this week, Ralphie's flying to China today, Reb's traveling the east coast now, Elizabeth's 20, Scott's visiting his family and Stephen's sick.

"Born to blossom, bloom to perish." Life is so.. rich. So many things happen at once that it's impossible to keep up. We're constantly running, completely enveloped within private frenzy, that we hardly notice our equally frantic surroundings: vice versa. Opportunities hide and chances lurk but, like echo pedals, we repeat ourselves. We excuse ourselves. What are we waiting for? Go out there and live your life to the fullest before the song ends with a grim-reaper-like gong.

I can't get the swine flu

School, work, church, sports, clubs, restaurants, friends. Doorknobs, keys, steering wheels, pens, desks, sinks. Do you know how filthy your hands are?

I'm not gonna lie: if I sneeze into my hand (which I occasionally do even after brainwashing myself to sneeze into my arm) I don't wipe my stain-leaving snot on my fresh black pants. Hail naw, I slyly wipe it on a freaking desk or door or something. I mean, who actually walks around with a fist full of slime looking for a napkin or bathroom? I guarantee I'm not the only one; or the worst offender. Can you imagine the countless fart-induced feces bacteria crawling all over your school chair? And you sit on your hands in class because it's comfortable. Then you lay your cheek on your hand because you're bored. ewwwww *little girl voice.* Or the common cold virus swimming around on every December corner. Couple that with the majority of you who live in a cramped bulding with tons of other hygienically underachieving teenagers.

After carrying around these nasty hands from 7:00 AM to 9:30 PM- kids sneezing their lungs out at church, chit chatting on a plastic table, touching everybody's credit cards- I was starvingggg. I went to A&W and ate this STEAMING, GREASY, CHARRED, DELICIOUS cheeseburger alone in my car in the parking lot. The papi burger.. mmm~

Unfortunately, the lazy teenager didn't give me napkins so I just used my hands. My un-safe hands. But I didn't care.. I was starving yo. I even had the nerve to pick up my chile cheese fries and lick my left thumb.

Every morning on the local news I see local people lining up to get vaccinated up their noses. All of my students tell me about their vaccination experiences at their schools. Yet I still.. never wash my hands and I still touch my food.

My peers seem to be the same. What makes us so confident that we're invincible and can't catch the swine flu? I just used my ddae-filled fingernail to get something out from between my teeth.

"Out of sight, out of mind." what fools we are.

P.S. congrats eliza, we actually found a legit use for our interesting-yet-useless hand picture that we slaved to capture.

I JUST

NEED TO SLEEP. SJK.

This is Sparta.

Lately, things have been sucking. If you're in the mood to enter a digital abyss of despair, continue reading.

I'm so insecure lately. It's probably in direct relation to my stressful work environment. Dont get me wrong, I know that I have an above-average job compared to my friends and it's nothing short of a blessing that somebody as inexperienced as me (none) got such empolyment.. which has actuallllyyyy been the problem lately. I keep making dumb mistakes and asking dumb questions; and I think people are starting to notice. Maybe I've been too negative, maybe I've lost the confidence to do well or maybe I really just suck at multi-tasking. Either way, work's been making me pretty insecure. I'm not street smart enough, I don't think quickly enough, I'm not aware enough. I mean, I'm never the type to text Eliza and say "work sucked today. goodbye." .....srsly..

Ive also been pretty attitude-y to people lately. Typically, I'm the nice church boy. I smile, I compliment and I go out of my way to do favors for people sans consolation. Though, if you really know me, you know that this is all just a facade. I'm actually stubborn and prissy with a go-away attitude mixed with immature laziness (only shown to certain people).

Story time: the praise team was setting up new equipment today. I was sitting in one of the audience chairs watching the guys starting to move things around. Why? Well, Iono? Just because. I was going to help soon.. I guess I just wanted to chill for a quick second. Then, the leader spots me and says with a serious face expression "STEPHEN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING. GET UP HERE. NOW." Thing with me is, somebody telling me to do something makes me automatically not want to do it (like my mom telling me to sleep). Also, people being stern annoys me. So I coldly reply, "I was going to."

"HURRY UP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

..Okay, why is this guy busting my balls. It's not that urgent and I was going to go up in a few seconds. I semi-shouted, sternly, of course, "FINE. They'll do that one and I'll just do the other one all by myself. Fair?"

..The tension could've easily been avoided by me replying "geez, don't go all crazy. I was going to go up just now lol." But my stupid attitude made me slave a ginormous speaker on a flimsy stand all by myself. I was too stubborn to let anybody help me.

And, as the sugar cherry on top, my mind is overloaded lately with go-mins. That is all.

BUT, I've come up with optimistic conclusions: Suck it up. Don't be a lazy pussy. Man up. Do watchu gotta do. Work harder and turn it all around. Stop being bichy and act like an adult. Figure things out. Pray and make. it. work! FIGHT TO THE DEATH. THIS IS SPARTA AND I AM A SPARTAN.

Tangent: here's my immediate to-do list:

- finish Christmas shopping

- buy jimmy johns

- buy fake in-n-out

- buy more cupcakes. yumm~

- prepare for school. CANT WAIT.

- shave.

PS. Can you believe I have a freaking incorrect tattoo? HAHA, it's kinda funny now that I think about it. I'm too scared of the pain to get it fixed.

PPS. Hi Mark =)

PPPS. I need to ask you guys about present giving.

The road to you

I wish I liked someone.

It sounds strange. Why don't you just choose some hottie to crush on? Maybe it's because I'm too picky. I don't want to crush on just anybody unless they're exceptional, ukno? Which may be a delusional/egotistical way to think, but that's me and the complex infrastructure of my mind.

It's weird to listen to love songs (emo or happy) and have nobody to think about. I sorta feel lonely, but I'm not sure what to do about it since I don't have a crush to turn to for a quick fix of happy.

Maybe it's just me, but I have this made-up person who exists in my mind. The perfect one. Thinking about this made up being actually makes me feel emotional, like we're talking or something. HA, just me?!

Post: I love the feeling you get when you wake up and see white snow covering everything.

Dearest Lillian

I couldn't respond to your blog entry in the form of a comment. I've also been meaning to transfer my fragmented thoughts to cohesive writing; so here we go.

Working at a high-end retailer, I commonly ring 400 dollars worth of some pillows here and some candles there for middle-aged women who always seem rushed as if excessively spending money was another chore on the list.

One particular day, I was refolding towels that some careless shopper decided to destroy when a typically rushed woman scurried over to ask me whether or not I worked at the store. No lady, I'm just a really careful customer who wastes time re-folding towels in dressy clothes because I like to.

She pulled out her folded catalog, pointed to a lamp and said "I want two in polished nickel." Aye-aye, captain. I ran off, grabbed the lamps, came back, did my act and escorted/ran her to her vehicle.

"You busy?" I asked.

"Yeah, really. Tons of errands to do you know?"

Then she drove off. Here's where my brilliant epiphany comes, so pay attention.

I wanted to stop her and tell her, "hey lady, chillax. Enjoy your vacation that is life." I mean, what do we really have to do in this lifetime? Work hard? For what? To buy pretty things to put in other pretty things? What in the world was that woman in such a rush for? What did she really have to do? What was so important that she couldn't stop for one second to enjoy the overpriced items she had just purchased?

Chemistry, friends, manners, sex, cheese and a bunch of other etceteras of choice: this entire life is a vacation where we do things because we want to. My lack of skill prevents me from further explaining, so think about it for yourself.

At the end of the day, you're lying in a beautiful bed staring at your grand children in their mini clothing standing next to the expensive lamps you bought so long ago when you thought your life was so busy. Now all that matters is where you're landing once the cruise is over.

PS. Lillian, you are so genuine and mature. Laundry lists are excessive. If I were two years younger, I'd be in love with you.

I hate iElizabeth

I hate how she dresses well

I hate how she's so witty

I hate how she's such a good writer

I hate how she's so quiet/dignified

I hate how dumb I look in comparison

but I especially hate how she doesn't teach her "BEE EFF EFF."

Don't judge me

I didn't used to understand that phrase. At church some time ago, David was telling the praise team to take the revival more seriously. He said "I'm not judging you guys, it's just that this a big responsibility and shouldn't be taken lightly."

Then I understood. If he hadn't said "I'm not judging you," I would've thought to myself, "how do you know whether or not I'm taking this seriously or not? How do you know my prayers? How do you know what I'm thinking or doing behind closed doors?"

This set off a whole bunch of emotions. The phrase "Only God can judge me" made some sense now. Suddenly, I want to tell this to everybody. Everybody that thinks they know me. Everybody who's quick to judge me. How I act, how I think, what kind of person I am.

But I remembered, we're all culprits. I'm going to try to stop thinking that I know everything about who people are. Ha, it sounds like I'm aggressively defending myself against something; I am.

My Garlic Nights.

Here's some info for all you procrastinators.

Last Sunday, a church nuna called and told me to come to Korea House (mad pricy) for dinner. I told her I was fine, even though I was actually starving after work, but she insisted that I come. Never-saying-no being my new Yes-man policy, I obliged.

I arrived at the restaurant and saw her sitting in one of the rooms (ballin~) with about 14 other church adults. It was nice though cus they're all cool, thirty-something married couples who were clearly the ish of A-town in their time. The table was about 30 feet long and absolutely FILLED with dishes: there was barely any room for me to put my chopsticks, let alone find a place to sit. Apparently, it was a birthday dinner for one of the adults and everybody ordered the all-you-can-eat buffet. HECK YEAH (not so much for the person paying)!

Homie I ate bacon, ribs, tail and ass until I couldn't eat any more. Couple that with bowls of kimchi, vinegar salad, fermented soy paste and a teensy bit of soju (you can't politely reject Korean adults if they give you a shot) and we all smelled like dumpsters. As I wrote a while back, I'm obsessed with garlic. I think I had equal parts burnt garlic to meat that night.

If you're Korean, you don't really notice that you or other people reek like K-town dumpsters because, well, you've become immune to the funk.

I went to work the following morning and immediately started boxing presents at the gift-wrap table in the stock room. Then, a coworker walks in and literally after being in the room for about half a minute says "whoo is smells like garlic in here!"

Darla: "It does."

Joey: "Yeah, like somebody was feasting last night for dinner. Like tearing that shit up, WHOO~"

I was very surprised because I never knew the smell of my beloved garlic could survive a night's sleep, a shower, deodorant, cologne and a rotation at the toilet. Still, I didn't own up to it because I didn't want to own up to being the center of stench.

All day I occasionally heard somebody complain of some weird smell but just kept ignoring it and smiling to myself.

Koreans, if you're gonna do garlic (let alone a fermented food feast) then be prepared to not be around non-Koreans the following day.

Viva Vegas

I used to be so obnoxious. The loudest most attention-craving person I've ever known. Now, I act when necessary and only seem to laugh when something's genuinely funny. I was kinda worried that I turned "boring" but it's kinda like I just.. grew up. It's not really a bad thing; I mean, what can you do? Reality sinks in and amusement isn't as amusing.

I was watching Shaycarl's video of him and his kids in Vegas. Man, I remember going to Vegas with my family. Most magical place I'd ever seen. Giant fountains, the sounds the slot machines made, the constant smell of cigarette smoke and the feeling of being hot at night.

What is this, some deceiving trend? Now that I'm a young adult, I wanna be a lil kid. When I'm 40, I'll wanna be a free and corrupted 20 year old. When I'm 60 I'll wanna be a young father with a white picket fence. When I'm 80, I'll wanna be a healthy grandpa. When I'm 100.. hm

I guess the only thing you can do is.. well, what can you do? how do you savor your... time? I read/heard somewhere that youth's wasted on the youth. Aint that the saddest thing?

This life's too short sometimes. But I'm not complaining.

PS. my ex girlfriend bought me a new DVD today because she said she spilled water on my old one. Idn't that the sweetest thang.

PPS. Shopping for gifts today got me 1000% in the Winter spirit.

PPPS. I have amazing friends I take for granted.

Too exclusive.

Tonight was the long awaited praise night. Incredible; that is all.

Tell me if I'm wrong but fellowship at a church should be about laughs, smiles and hellos. Not glares, cold shoulders and exclusivity.

At 8:45 hands are in the air, prayers are clear and I hear a hundred voices singing the same song of glory and worship to the same Savior. At 9:00 everybody sits with their cliques and laughs heartily at their inside jokes, ignoring the presence of outsiders. Everybody is suddenly too birch for church. Everybody feels like naturally frowning and showing their unattractive backsides (if ur gonna do your hair, don't just do the front).

Why are you like this? Yeah, "you." I'm not like this; well I try. I don't like making people feel stupid when they say hi and not popular enough to sit with my not-celebrity-friends. Why do you make it so difficult to create a cohesive, warm atmosphere? Why do you prefer being cold? What are you so afraid of?

How precious is ones coolness anyway.

Am I being too harsh.

The great turkey

This Thanksgiving was just as humble as every other holiday spent with my mother. We've accidentally created a tradition where we annually venture to Mimi's Cafe for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not a fan of eating slabs of turkey meat, or any meat for that matter, so I always order something from the regular menu even though my food takes twice as long to come out. Yeah, it may seem dinky to celebrate the amazing Thanksgiving with one plate of food at a restaurant but it's not about who can boast the biggest feast for all to see; it's about love and giving thanks.

Umma! Default this!

What she got

What I got hours later. YUM.

I then went to church for our final practice before our Praise Night.

And the award for cutest baby girl goes to... Please come and accept your award..

Nick putting Sue's skirt back on her after she took it off and ran around.

C'est la vie.

Why?

Happy Thanksgiving

Keep the faith.

I routinely wake up, brush my teeth, covet the same haircut, create an ensemble with the same clothes, stuff pillows with the same prints and sing praise with the same #8 microphone. Nothing's changed in my schedule but everything' changed for me. Just shy of two weeks ago, I made an informal choice to stop being Negative Norman and start being Optimistic Oprah (what other names start with the letter "O?").

It started with baby steps. Rather than thinking "umma makes me the same lukewarm Korean food with the same overpowering fermented ingredients" I'd think "I'm going to suggest we make some interesting foreign food sometime to spice up my taste buds."

Soon afterwards, in as good a way as I can describe, everything started changing. I notice the positive in my life more than the negative, I embrace uncertainty with adventure and, well, I've been happier.

It feels like my positive energy's been drawing positive stuff to me. I recently went to Soy's manly boyfriend's little shindig, I randomly dyed my hair with Bomi, I'm finally friendly with my ex, I've been helping Stephanie with her mental struggles, I've reconnected with my brother, Sarah's baby doesn't cry upon seeing me and my formerly nasty, puss-filled zit's disappeared.

Anonymous (ha) logically suggested that it's simply me noticing the positive more, rather than the positive being drawn to me. Either way: dadadadada, I'm loving it.

PS. Anonymous, I think they're boring because you already know everything. Better than I do.

PPS. To add insult to injury, MY STORE WON THE STOCKING STUFFER CONTEST! $100 VISA GIFT CARD!!

PPPS. I'm this month's Employee of the month, I am. Note the intentional capitalization of "employee."

PPPPS. I can't wait to get my hair cut. I'm going to shave off the sides and look what I like to call "gay-cholo-chic."

My life journey

Definitely a work in progress.

Murakami

Hahamysok asked me what my taste in art was. Tonight, while relentlessly looking for an affordable Murakami product (be-it anything) on eBay (successfully found nothing) I remembered why I'm such a fan.

I can't really explain why his stuff captivates me so much. He said the sole point of his most famous trademark (the flowers) was "smile." I don't physically smile when I see his bright, cartoony, loony, psychotic work but I feel like it. UKNO?

Planet 66 collection.

Makes you feel amazing..

"My Lonesome Cowboy."

"Hiropon." I saw her in person with Betty and Walter.. they were obviously disgusted.
She was kinda the sequel to "My Lonesome Cowboy."

I regretfully saw this one in person before I knew who Murakami was. This is some fusion of his DOB character (common motif) and mushrooms (another common motif).

"Dob's Jump" (sperm/milk motif).

"727." He made some psycho DOB into traditional Japanese art.. crazy

Kinda his interpetation of the Warhol-Monroe prints. He redoes Mr. DOB with a million different colors but this is my favorite. I've been trying to guess what his inspiration/point for DOB is.. Perhaps a play on America's #1 pop culture icon Mickey Mouse?

"KaiKai KiKi and Me." From his most famous flower collection (incorporated into his popular Louis Vuitton deal).

"Reversed Double Helix." This is my favorite.. It's a cartoon, floating buddha-like thing with a tons of hands and eyes.. like a fusion of the world's religions.

Too bad Kanye West and G-dragon had to mess everything up. Like your favorite songs becoming the new Gossip Girl theme track or something..

OMGG!!!!!

LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND ON YOUTUBE..

WHAT!!?!?! YOU CAN EVEN HEAR ME SAY "No coffee?!" I guess this is so amazing because I've never seen me at this age.. Since my family has no videos of anything.

Mind you I was what.. 14? Obviously no acting skills, considering im laughing like an idiot when I'm supposed to be dying. I can't believe what I'm seeing! Still, as an audience member, I can say that this was pretty good. Minus me. This was the happiest time in hs..

PS. this is incredibly embarrassing. i look annoying.

question.

why do girls have long hair?

My mom's a superhero

She has the ability to make a sleepy person not sleepy by simply saying "sleep."

Let me tell you guys about today. I have so many negative things to say but I'll remember to honor my new, positive paradigm.

After talking to Elee on the phone last night around 2, her voice pretty much sucked the life out of me and I ktfo'd immediately. I only slept for 4 hours before work so I was unsurprisingly brain-dead today. I pondered all day whether I should really go to the free JYP audition (Korean record company) or go home and peacefully rest. My boss told me "You'll regret it because you won't remember how tired you were; you'll just remember not going." Made a lot of sense, so I dragged myself there.

I was stag, again, and entered the crowded building to see a million familiar faces. Kids younger than me, kids older than me, fobs, wobs, haters, acquaintances: it really felt like every Korean in Colorado was there. They all wore either etnies with flare jeans or gaudy jackets with neon mufflers. I felt extremely out of place in my Walmart T-shirt and old-man loafers.

I recognized quite a few people who swore they wouldn't go and act like they're too cool for Korean music. "Why would I audition for a Korean company? Please." Well, clearly you weren't man enough to simply say "I'm American, but I like Korean music and want to audition" (I'm also speaking to myself). That's when I realized how unattractive it is to be something and act like you're not. Like you're too cool for it. Even though you're not. I mean, if you enjoy something, own up to it. If you like Korean music, just say so. It's more damaging to yourself to pretend like you're not and then be seen at a JYP audition. Trust me.. I'd know..

How'd it go? Um, it went well. I don't expect a call back but I'm surprisingly ok with that. Seeing all of the little high school girls awkwardly wearing pumps and green eyeshadow, squealing in Korean about how nervous they are/"ugly" they look made me 100000000% unattracted to Korean music. Not the music really, but the "fans." Do they even listen to the music or are they just into the pretty girls and pretty boys? Also, you always hear people criticizing Korean singers for not singing very well. "Why even be a singer if you can't sing," they ask. I was SO SURPRISED at how many people couldn't even hold a tune tonight. And here they are auditioning. Hypocrites.

I'm a happy person now (just wait) so I'll end on a happy note: It was a minor eye-opening experience. And it was fun singing in front of a professional camera.

PS: Do I analyze things too much? Is that a bad thing per se?

PPS: Isn't it funny how different people are in writing? I act like im all badass in text. Some seem more intelligent (Jason. I stalked him cus he commented you and WOW do I like that man), some are a lot more introverted (Simon) and some are a lot more mean (You and Ralphie).

PPPS: You better have read this.